UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

NFL Institutes New No-Thinking Policy For Players

NFL Institutes New No-Thinking Policy For Players

The NFL announced today a new policy requiring players no longer think during any official league activities.  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated the decision was due to the NFL's “ongoing commitment to local communities and our country, particularly when being paid millions by the Department of Defense."


Prior to 2009, athletes typically waited in the locker room during the performance of the national anthem, and came onto the field only to play football, or for paid acts of patriotism. That changed in 2016 when former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick created a silent movement by sitting during the coveted B-list celebrity photo op.  This raised concern among NFL executives and team owners that the focus was being diverted from buying products from their advertisers, and instead, to creating significant social change.
 

 

To implement the new policy, the NFL has commissioned production of special helmets for NFL players that utilize random electrical shocks delivered to various parts of the brainstem to ensure any individual thinking is immediately disrupted.  “We can no longer rely on the concussions occurred during practice and game situations to keep individual thoughts to a minimum,” said Goodell. “We’re taking the next logical step to ensure that these games remain free of any heavy cultural baggage.”

 

Photo by Keith Allison from Hanover, MD, USA  ||  CC-BY-SA 2.0

Trump Or Treat 2020 || Trump Opponents For Reelection

Trump Or Treat 2020 || Trump Opponents For Reelection

Trump Election Seen As Reason For Eruption Of Spontaneous Human Combustion

Trump Election Seen As Reason For Eruption Of Spontaneous Human Combustion