UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

President Trump Pardons Shawshank Redemption Character Andy Dufresne: 'Get Busy Living'

President Trump Pardons Shawshank Redemption Character Andy Dufresne: 'Get Busy Living'

In a late night, perhaps Ambien-fueled Twitter storm, President Donald Trump announced his intent to pardon Andy Dufresne, a fictional character played by Tim Robbins in the legendary film The Shawshank Redemption.  White House staff was at first stumped by the late-night tweet until movie buff Jared Kushner recognized the name and made the connection to the 1994 critically-acclaimed film.

 

The movie follows the difficulties of a banker convicted of killing his wife and her lover and being sent to a particularly brutal Maine prison.  A review of the White House late-night TV satellite programming indicates “someone” in the West Wing did watch The Shawshank Redemption between 12:45am and 3:00am.  President Trump’s initial tweet about the pardon appeared at 3:14am.  White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders commented, “It may be just a coincidence, there is no direct evidence that it was the president that watched it.”

 

The movie is a highly-ranked modern film on any critic’s list, but is 100% fictitious.  President Trump, who bases much of his reality on entertainment programming, was apparently not aware of that fact.  In all fairness, The Shawshank Redemption was released in 1994, nearly two full years before the founding of Fox News, so it is not surprising that Trump was less than fully informed.  

 

Trump tweeted, “It is my intention to fully pardon or commute the remainder of the sentence of former prisoner Andy Dufresne who escaped from Shawshank Prison in Maine in 1994.  He has been on the run for over twenty-four years and has not committed a single crime since his escape.” 

 

“He was treated badly while in prison and that is just not right.  Where is the justice?  I know justice, I know the best justice.  Not like that dummy Jeff Sessions.  He is so slow, he needs 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.  It takes him that long because he has to get up and recuse himself at every commercial break.  Get it? Recuse himself?  Why do I have writers?  I am great at this.”

 

Trump continued, “From what I know, he was able to overcome adversity and build a great little prison business helping others commit tax fraud.  Find a niche and make it pay, that is what I always say.”  The president went on, “Dufresne did not get small business administration funding, no low-interest bonds, no government money at all.  Not even a small million-dollar loan from Daddy. In the end, he ends up on the beach with nearly $400,000 in someone else’s money and he never even filed for bankruptcy!  I am thinking of naming him director of the Internal Revenue Service.”  

 

In his final tweet, the president reached out to the fictional character.  “Andy if you are out there, it is time to come home.  We need your entrepreneurial skills here to help make America great again.  Call me on my private line, I have this tax audit thing going on and I could really use a winner like you on my team.”

 

When asked if Trump was serious about pardoning a fictitious character, the White House released the following official statement from the president.

 

“As President of the United States I have broad discretion to grant pardons.  This man, Andy Dufresne, or just Andy as I call him, has shown he's a real go-getter.  He was successful in business under the most difficult of circumstances.  Sure, he killed his wife and that is one point against him.  However, he also killed her lover, a golf pro.  That should count for something. Honestly, who here has not wanted to kill a golf pro now and then?  Maybe bury them up to their necks in sand and drive a bucket of balls at their head?  Killing a golf pro should be a misdemeanor.  It is time for a pardon … Oh, I see it is tee time at Trump National.  Gotta run.”

 

 

Photo by Gage Skidmore  ||  CC-BY-2.0

North Korean Peace Treaty and more || Let's Get Serious hosted by Lari Lahren

North Korean Peace Treaty and more || Let's Get Serious hosted by Lari Lahren

Donald Trump Pulls White House Invite To Hamilton

Donald Trump Pulls White House Invite To Hamilton