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The Cheese Stands Alone: Commander Of Cheese

The Cheese Stands Alone: Commander Of Cheese

You know that stupid saying about how a broken clock is right twice a day? Kellyanne Conway accidentally referred to Donald Trump as the Commander of Cheese. Despite her poor command of the English language, Kellyanne may have stumbled on the perfect way to describe Trump. Cheese is made in Wisconsin. The people of Wisconsin are very proud of their cheese. In fact, they are so proud of their cheese they wear it on their heads. Do you know how cheese is made? Neither do I, but I have a vague memory of something I learned in school, or I learn learned from Mister Rogers, or my brother told me.


You start with dairy in an okay state. You let it go bad. You let it go bad some more and... cheese. But after a while it goes bad again. In the lifespan of cheese there is only a small window when it's something acceptable. It eventually turns into a green, furry, moldy block that smells like a fart. (It seems more likely this information came from my brother than Mister Rogers.)


Donald Trump is basically cheese. In the eighties, he was a pompous rich guy with some tacky gold buildings. This was his okay state. Not great, but okay as far as pompous rich guys go. Then he cheated on his wife and found himself nine hundred million dollars in debt. This was his going bad. Then he starred in a reality show, discovered Twitter and dedicated an obscene amount of time attempting to prove Barack Obama is a pod person or something equally as stupid. This was his going bad some more. Then in the middle of the insane 2016 primary season where forty-seven people were running for the Republican nomination, Trump announced his candidacy. He was a crazy, pompous, rich celebrity spouting idiotic rhetoric with no basis in reality. It was hilarious. It was cheese.


Like most people, I never believed Trump had a chance. I severely overestimated the intelligence and compassion of a frighteningly large amount of voters. Donnie attacked Mexicans, the disabled, Muslims, POW's, African-Americans, China, Syrian refugees, protesters, journalists, Univision, the stupid people of Iowa and Megyn Kelly, to name a few. None of this has mattered to his supporters. This moldy fart became the president.


But who are these poorly educated people who didn't realize Trump was insulting them because they are so poorly educated? I only know one person who openly admits to being a Trump supporter. The person is a slovenly redneck who breathes heavy. It sounds like a stereotype, but it's true. Support for Trump is like herpes. We know a lot of people have it, but very few admit it.


To get an idea of the type of people who support Trump, I'm taking a look at the D-List celebrities who endorsed him. Perhaps, this will give us some insight into what is causing this epidemic of ignorance.


Scott Baio
Baio said he likes Trump because, "he talks like me." No one wants a president who talks like Chachi. And if we did want a President who talks like a sitcom character we would obviously choose Fonzie. Everyone knows Fonzie is the coolest. "My fellow Americans, aaayyy...." 


Other than he's Chachi, the only thing I know about Baio is he's a womanizer who banged his way through the cast of Baywatch, Hasselhoff included. I could be wrong about the Hasselhoff thing, but Baio is an alleged sex offender so who cares. 


Dennis Rodman
Cross-dressing friend of Kim Jong-Un.


One of the Duck Dynasty Guys
Crusty redneck capable of killing ducks, yet hasn't mastered a razor.


Kid Rock
He's an alcoholic who got into a fight in a Waffle House. Every drunk in the South knows you go to Waffle House to eat greasy food and sober up. Waffle House is a place of peace and cheese grits, dammit. I hate him for supporting Trump. I hate him for besmirching the good name of Waffle House. Regardless, Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy, diggy, said the boogie, said up jump the boogie, are still the coolest lyrics ever.


Mike Tyson
A flesh-eating rapist.


Gary Busey
Brain damage.

Ted Nugent
Gun-toting, one-hit wonder who adopted a teenage girl so he could screw her, crapped his pants to avoid the draft and blamed school shootings on junk food.


After all this extensive research I've come to the conclusion the average Trump supporter is a brain-damaged, cross-dressing, alcoholic, rapey redneck pedophile with a taste for human flesh, an admiration for terrorist dictators and a horrible case of fecal incontinence.


That's some funky bad cheese.



Photo by Gage Skidmore  ||  CC-BY-SA 2.0

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