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Pentagon Unveils Plan To Outsource Drone Warfare Operations To South Korean eSports All-Star Team

Pentagon Unveils Plan To Outsource Drone Warfare Operations To South Korean eSports All-Star Team

Itaewon-dong, South Korea -- Now entering its second decade, the American military’s highly secretive drone surveillance program has begun showing significant signs of battle fatigue. Officials at Nevada’s Creech Air Force Base mention long hours and extreme stress levels as the primary causes of operators exiting both the program and, in many cases, the Air Force itself.

 

“Not to worry,” said cigar-chomping Colonel Jack Kronauer while surveying a bustling gaming parlor in suburban Seoul. “We’ve found a team of young go-getters here who are gonna help us kick ISIS's butt for not much more per day than a case of energy drinks and a few bowls of ramen noodles.”

 

“Our guys back home, they’ve got wives and families and, God bless ’em, consciences. But these kids? Hell, compared to, what’s it called, Grand Theft Auto 5? Compared to that, leveling a Yemeni village from 3,000 feet up is usually the least violent thing they’ll do all day.”

 

 

Speaking through a translator, newly commissioned Air Force Captain Sung-Ye Park, 12, who will be heading the elite unit, had this to say: “I eagerly look forward to helping Colonel Jack wipe out the global threat of Islamic extremism….or is it anti-Islamic extremism? Something like that. Whatever. Can I have another Red Bull & coconut water?“

 

At press time, it was unknown whether Captain Park and his teammates understood that Operation Inherent Resolve was not, in fact, a video game.

 

Photo by 닉네임 : DOTORI BOX (rlawjddn327) 본명 : 김정우 (Kim Jung woo)  ||  CC-BY 2.0 Korea

Donald Trump And Kim Jong Un To Hash It Out On The Court

Donald Trump And Kim Jong Un To Hash It Out On The Court

Harvey Weinstein Seeks Medical Attention For Knots In Back, Begs Judge For Lenient Massage

Harvey Weinstein Seeks Medical Attention For Knots In Back, Begs Judge For Lenient Massage