Trump Faces Hamburglar Pardon Quid Pro Quo Questions As Jack In The Box Sits On Death Row
Florence, CO -- After the announcement today of notorious food thief Hamburglar’s pardon, questions arose quickly about the president’s connections to the reformed criminal’s employer.
The McDonald’s pitchman was granted clemency and his sentence for grand larceny was commuted, while rival mascot Jack In The Box, aka Jack Box, aka Jack I. Box, sits on death row awaiting his execution for a crime many believe he should not have been convicted for.
“Did I give them gas? Personally no. Did the burger give them gas? Yes, of course it did,” Jack Box told us in an exclusive interview earlier this month about the infamous night. “Everyone knows the gas was so noxious that it took down everyone in the house that day. But should I be labeled a criminal for this? Do I deserve this? I just wanted to serve people crappy food fast and make a quick buck.”
“But the Hamburglar, hmm. The Hamburglar situation is something else entirely. This man knowingly steals people’s burgers and can’t stop. An impulsive and repulsive animal. And he gets off? And who gets him off? The president gets him off, personally.”
“You don’t have to add two and two together,” an angry Box continued. “This guy in office has the same affliction. Can’t stop eating Big Macs. I’m not saying something doesn’t smell right, but something doesn’t smell right. And it’s not the E. coli, if you smell what I mean.”
Ronald McDonald and Grimace were not available for comment.
Photo by The Conmunity - Pop Culture Geek from Los Angeles, CA, USA || CC-BY-2.0