Trump Declares Friend Woody Johnson’s New York Jets Replacement Champions Over Eagles, Can’t Quite Keep Straight Face
Washington, DC -- President Donald Trump has declared the New York Jets football team reigning Super Bowl champions, replacing the Philadelphia Eagles, at a ceremony during which he could barely keep from laughing.
The giggling POTUS handed close friend and current United States Ambassador to United Kingdom Woody Johnson the Lombardi trophy, which Michael Cohen had stumbled upon earlier after it apparently “fell off the back of a truck.”
Johnson is also the hapless owner of the hapless Jets squad. An “emotional Woody,” also reportedly a nickname for the president’s member, could not contain his tears, while Trump could not help but giggle at the whole silly spectacle.
“The Eagles don’t get to have this because they kneel. So now the Jets have it. That’s just business. I’m the best at business. Did I ever tell you about the time I put the USFL out of business in the 80s. Probably not, but I always stood for the anthem. I just can’t stop laughing. The Jets are terrible. It’s sad. But I’m just so happy and full of giggles on this big, big day,” said Trump, full of chuckles.
Eagles players could not be reached for comment in their Philadelphia gym after a strenuous workout. Jets players could definitely be reached for comment, but eh, whatever.