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EPA Demands Apology, Says It Is Doing 'Lots of Stuff' Besides Helping Oil And Coal

EPA Demands Apology, Says It Is Doing 'Lots of Stuff' Besides Helping Oil And Coal

In a press conference earlier today, the Environmental Protection Agency attacked its critics and defensively claimed the agency is fully engaged in many projects and doing “lots of stuff.”  The EPA felt “compelled to comment” on the recent media focus on its attempts to destroy years of clean water and clean air regulation.  The agency is working hard to promote the coal and oil industries, particularly in low employment areas like nature preserves and protected wildlife habitats.  “Do you know how low the employment is in those areas?” representatives for the EPA asked.

 

When asked for examples of current projects, the EPA proudly cited recent reports covered by Fox News, that the Agency has been instrumental in holding up the destruction of smuggler’s tunnels used to get bad hombres and illegal drugs into this county.  By cooperating with the Department of the Interior and the Department of Agriculture they have been able to stall the demolition of tunnels for up to eighteen months.  


 

Fox News interviewed a frustrated Utah Representative Rob Bishop.  "These delays are unacceptable," he commented, “I heard firsthand accounts from our Border Patrol agents that environmental red tape is hindering their ability to secure the border.” 

 

“The EPA is proud of its participation in this effort.  Although these obstructions to progress did start under the previous administration, the agency is glad to report that they are continuing under President Trump and moving even slower than in the past.”  The EPA noted that even members of congress were noticing their efforts along the border. “And there is no coal around here for miles.”   


 

Two U.S Representatives traveled to Arizona to investigate the problems encountered by Border Patrol agents protecting the border; Congressman Bishop and Arkansas Representative Bruce Westerman wanted answers.  Illegal immigration is reaching the critical stages when the government is forced to send in the big guns from Utah and Arkansas to get to the bottom of the situation.  Apparently, officials from the involved border states of Texas, Arizona and California were still hungover from Cinco de Mayo celebrations.  A spokesman for the border states said: “Uno mas por favor!!!”

 

Hopefully, Bishop and Westerman will be able to utilize their vast experience in dealing with illegal immigration matters, as their states are famous for creative solutions to stopping illegal immigration.  Utah recently went on record as once again denouncing bigamy, to keep out “those crazy cults and the entire Warren Jeffs family.”  Arkansas, also on the cutting edge of creative immigration solutions, is considering constructing a wall on the Louisiana border to keep out "them crazy Cajuns."  They are also introducing a new license plate to further intimidate their neighbors, which reads “Geaux Away.”


 

The EPA is also working hard to assist industry with disposal issues.  An agency spokesman stated, “The provisions of the Clean Air and Clean Water Acts are too restrictive and place unnecessary regulations on manufacturing and industry.  Responsible disposal of heavy metals and hazardous chemical byproducts is really expensive when we have rivers and streams almost everywhere.  You just put the stuff in the stream and it goes away.”  The Agency is working hard to assist industry in finding streams and arranging low-cost loans to finance the purchase of tanker trucks to transport the waste to the nearest waterway.

 

When asked about other projects in the pipeline, the EPA noted it was working around the clock to figure out what President Barack Obama did in his eight years in office.  The agency’s goal is to undo all his enactments and legislation as soon as possible.  “The previous administration was concerned with the future.  This administration is all about now.  Right now.  The president and Director Scott Pruitt are both dismayed and frustrated at how long it was taking to achieve the repeals they've wanted.”  


 

According to our EPA sources, the main problem in repealing Obama-era regulations is all the big words.  “The regulations are really long, have almost no pictures, and are exceptionally boring.  Even worse, they are full of research, surveys, and all kinds of ‘sciency’ stuff.  Since we fired every legitimate scientist at the agency, we are having to rely on industry lobbyists and chemical salesmen for help on all the big words.  But rest assured, as soon as we figure out all that environmental science lingo, we will be deregulating like crazy.  And you can quote me on that – especially the crazy part.”

 

 

Photo by Gage Skidmore  ||  CC-BY-SA-2.0

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