President Trump Calls 'Dibs' On New Beachside Property In Hawaii
President Donald Trump received an update in the Situation Room earlier today on the status of Hawaii and the Kilauea volcano. According to sources, the meeting started off well but quickly went off the rails when officials from the US Geological Survey (USGS) began describing the impact of the lava flows and how they were even reaching the ocean and cooling off to create new land. As these officials tried to move on to discuss their modeling work predicting the impact of additional eruptions, Mr. Trump interjected and said, "Wait, you're telling me that the island is actually growing? How can land grow from fire and ocean?" Officials reportedly spent the next fifteen minutes describing continental drift, the layers of the earth, and volcanoes; they even brought in a model volcano to demonstrate how it works and gave it the name "Trumpcano" in order to keep Trump's attention from drifting.
Trump then dismissed the USGS officials and made plans to immediately fire them since he wasn't aware that he was still employing scientists within his administration and stated that if he knew earlier he would've fired them sooner. Trump then focused his attention back to Hawaii and stated to his cabinet, "Let me be perfectly clear. This is new beachfront property and so that means no one owns it, this is a huuuuuuuge opportunity for me to build a new golf course. So allow me to explain in det-DIBS! I called it first. No backsies! Force field!"
As the rest of Trump's cabinet let out a collective groan of disappointment, Trump began thinking of new names for his new golf course. Trump reportedly could not decide between White House-West or Vulcan Resort, which he thought was Spanish for volcano.
As Trump continued making plans, FEMA officials tried to brief him on the estimated costs of rebuilding everything that was damaged and destroyed. Trump quickly interrupted them and said that all he was really concerned with is when this so-called “Kilimanjaro” was going to quit erupting so that he could move forward with his plans. He then said that he wasn’t concerned with the costs of rebuilding because Hawaii should take care of that themselves.
He went on to say, “all of these s*hole islands just expect us to pay for everything because they’re technically a part of the US, but not anymore.” Reportedly, with a wink and a nod, Vice President Mike Pence was quick to steer the president away from trouble and said to him, “Sir, I think what you meant to say was crap islands, correct?” With a nod and wink back, Trump quickly agreed and said he was certain that he had actually said crap to begin with.