Tom Hanks Not Accused of Sexual Harassment
Tom Hanks was reportedly caught glancing at a woman who was bending over last week at Denver International Airport. Surrounding witnesses were taken back by Hanks’ ungodly use of his eyes, which launched an investigation into Hanks’s tendencies.
Private investigator and women's rights activist Cedrick Bonanno was shocked to find nothing.
“It’s like his secrets are further down the rabbit hole than any of us had anticipated,” Bonanno stated. “One thing is for sure, [Hanks] is an expert.”
Bonanno took it upon himself to interview every woman Hanks has worked with in Hollywood. He insists either Hanks must’ve paid all the women he’s harassed handsomely in order to keep quiet, or his victims suffer from Stockholm Syndrome.
Andrea Martin, a lead actress in the hit film My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2, seemed to show horrific signs of suppressed memory due to trauma.
“He was actually really sweet,” Martin said. “He handled the production of the film very professionally and even treated the whole crew to ice cream after the final shoot date.”
Despite the fact that every woman throughout Hanks’s career refuses to come forward, the evidence is bleeding through the surface of past relationships. Former co-star Wilson the Volleyball was interviewed on his relationship with Hanks.
“When he’s holding you, staring into your eyes, it’s like you’re the only two beings that exist in this universe,” says Wilson. “Tommy was like a lioness in bed, aggressive and nurturing. I’d give up my position at Dick’s Sporting Goods if I could just lay with him one more time.”
Actors across the globe are repulsed by Hanks’s lack of career-crippling sexual allegations. It is reported that the Screen Actors Guild plans to cut ties with Hanks unless he decides to release proof of his own non-consensual misconduct to the public.
It remains unknown whether or not the investigation has reached a dead end. However, fans everywhere are patiently waiting for Hanks to show signs of poor behavior.
Photo by Angela George at https://www.flickr.com/photos/sharongraphics/ || CC-BY-SA-3.0 Unported