Special Report: Undisclosed Provisions In The Tax Cuts And Jobs Act Of 2017
On December 22nd, 2017, Donald Trump signed the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017 into law, marking sweeping changes to existing tax laws and handing the administration one of its first legislative victories. With more than a trillion dollars of your tax dollars on the line over the next ten years, The Flake News deemed it necessary to dig into the law and look at provisions that have received little to no media coverage. The following is but a small sample of what we were able to uncover by reading the law and conducting interviews with the staffers involved.
SEC. 4569SD. NEW TAX-FUNDED GOVERNMENT RESEARCH INITIATIVES
CRYONICS PRESERVATION RESEARCH PROGRAM. The tax bill allocates approximately 2 billion dollars into a military study at an undisclosed location researching cryonics and preparing the site for two high level officials within the Trump administration. Sources disclosed, on the condition of anonymity, the sole purpose of this program is to cryogenically freeze Donald and Ivanka Trump immediately after Donald’s passes in order to preserve them until a time that technology has advance enough where they can be resuscitated and natural aging can be prevented and even reversed. I could not find absolute proof to corroborate these statements; however, I did get my hands on a copy of the manifest for the two cryogenic tanks and they were reserved for one man and one woman with the names David and Jezebel Dennison.
CREATION OF THE ANDROGENIC ALOPECIA TREATMENT DEPARTMENT. This section of the tax code sets aside 2.5 billion dollars to set up another department within the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in order to study and treat male pattern baldness. Scientists within the department were not sure how their research became a top concern for the CDC but they mention hearing rumors of their marching orders coming straight from the West Wing. Though this is not a fatal disease, it nonetheless will receive more funding than is being allocated to most other diseases, with two notable exceptions below in sections (d) and (e).
NEW TESTAMENT RESURRECTION STUDY. Trump is a big fan of the bible and a very devout Christian, according to his many campaign speeches. He is always willing to sit down with people to discuss his favorite passages, especially Two Corinthians. Trump loves hearing the story of Jesus Christ’s resurrection and once said, “Nobody loves Jesus more than I do. Believe me.” Some White House staffers don’t think that he’s as devout as he proclaims, one overheard Trump say, “He’s [Jesus is] not a hero. He was a hero because he was crucified. I like Gods who weren’t captured.” Nonetheless, he’s a fan of Jesus’s ability to rise from the dead and has funneled tax dollars to study this phenomenon. Unfortunately, the sole purpose of this program was, unsurprisingly, another attempt to undo President Barack Obama’s legacy by trying to resurrect Osama bin Laden. A staffer, again on the condition of anonymity, stated that Trump was certain that if Obama supported killing Osama, then it was the worst decision ever to be made by a president in the history of this country and that he would reverse that decision as quickly as possible.
NEUROSYPHILIS TREATMENT AND CURE STUDY. This section of the tax code was inserted by the White House and gave the CDC 5 billion additional tax dollars to find a way to treat and reverse the damage from late-stage Neurosyphilis. I was unable to find any additional information at this time as to why this program has become a priority, but symptoms of late stage Neurosyphilis include: confusion, paranoia, poor concentration, depression, irritability, erratic behavior, slurred speech, severe mood swings, dementia, insomnia, impaired judgment, delusional thinking, and grandiosity.
MENTAL ILLNESS DETECTION, PREVENTION AND TREAMENT PROGRAM. This program is VP Mike Pence’s baby and received 4 billion tax dollars of funding. The program seeks to create a device that can detect homosexuality in children and seeks to find a treatment and eventual cure. This program would eventually create a vaccination that could be administered upon birth that would prevent homosexuality altogether. Trump approve the inclusion of the program into the tax bill on the condition that Pence pinky-swore to him that these vaccinations would not cause autism like all of the others.
This is but a small portion of the unreported parts of the tax code. I will uncover and provide additional information, as soon as I can find it, in future special reports. Stay tuned and remember to vote in November!
Photo by Gage Skidmore || CC-BY-2.0