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Snowflake’s Guide To Understanding Donald Trump, Part I

Snowflake’s Guide To Understanding Donald Trump, Part I

Despite being a relatively new reporter for The Flake News, I have many years of intrepid reporting experience across various media.  I’ve reported from the most hostile locations and dangerous situations and have taken many risks to uncover the truth.  As a result, I’ve spent countless hours interviewing a lot of unsavory people: serial killers, rapists, dictators and Ted Cruz.  This has provided me with the ability to speak fluent Trump and I’ve decided to help the Snowflake Nation by interpreting many of his most common statements and phrases.  I hope  this proves to be both interesting and informative.  Remember, as the brilliant Sky Marshal Tehat Meru once said in the movie Starship Troopers, “to fight the bug, we must understand the bug.”

 

When Trump Says: That I can tell you.
It Means: Everything that I just said immediately before this phrase is a lie.
Phrases Trump uses with a Similar Meaning: Believe me. 
Example: No, no, I’m not a racist. I am the least racist person you have ever interviewed. That I can tell you.  You should interpret this quote as, “Trump is an extremely racist person, maybe the most racist person you’ve ever met.”

 

When Trump Says: He’s a great guy.
It Means: This guy is truly awful.  I’m saying that he’s a great guy because I’m either endorsing him for something, defending him for potentially criminal or unethical conduct, or his last name is Putin.
Phrases Trump uses with a Similar Meaning: N/A. 
Example: [Giuliani] is a great guy.  He’ll get his facts straight.  You should interpret this quote as, “Rudy is a sack of shit, he will continue to lie and say ridiculous things as long as he has his head up my—”
 When Trump Says: An insulting nickname like Crooked Hillary, Lying Ted and Little Marco.
It Means: This is an insecurity about himself that he’s projecting on others.
Phrases Trump uses with a Similar Meaning: N/A. 
Example: Look at this guy’s past and watch what happens to him and Sloppy Steve!  You should interpret this quote as, “I am calling Bannon sloppy because I’m insecure about my own weight.  I do not weigh 239 lbs., in fact, I’m probably somewhere north of 50 lbs. of that weight.  I’m so sloppy and disgusting that I eat cheeseburgers alone in bed at night and I can only get adult film stars to sleep with me.”

 

When Trump Says: I’m very rich.
It Means: I’m celebrity-rich, but I’m not Forbes 100-rich.  I’m very insecure about my net worth because I am consistently inflating it.
Phrases Trump uses with a Similar Meaning: N/A.
Example: I’m very rich.  You should interpret this quote as, “I wish I was Jeff Bezos-rich.”

 

When Trump Says: Fake news.
It Means: Any news that covers me negatively regardless of whether it’s true or not; nine times out of ten it’s true though.
Phrases Trump uses with a Similar Meaning: N/A.
Example: Fake news.  You should interpret this quote as, “I did collude with the Russians, obstruct justice, pay an adult star to sleep with me, have Russian hookers urinate on the bed, etc.”

 

When Trump Says: You’ll find out.
It Means: I’m acting like I have a master plan but I don’t, I’m just winging it and I have no idea what I’m going to do.
Phrases Trump uses with a Similar Meaning: You’ll see.
Example: You’ll find out.  You should interpret this quote as, “We’ll find out what I do together because I really have no idea right now.”

 

Please stay tuned for future installations of the Snowflake’s Guide to Understanding Donald Trump.

 

 
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