Pence Vindicated: Financial Disclosures Reveal Jesus Paid Trump Who Paid Cohen Who Paid Stormy
Washington, DC -- Vice President Mike Pence raised his arms up in victorious celebration upon learning it was indeed Jesus, his Lord and Savior, who funded President Donald Trump’s payment of $130,000 to personal lawyer Michael Cohen for his own payment of $130,000 to actress Stormy Daniels. Financial disclosures released today confirm the payment.
Jesus made a series of thirty-six payments, or “double-Chai,” since of course Jesus is a Jew. The number of installments was meant to bring good luck to the whole adult film star payoff thing.
“Today, I feel blessed, absolutely blessed, to be on the right side of history,” Pence told reporters gathered in his office. “Me too,” interjected Jesus. “I’m almost ready to come back. Shhhhh, don’t tell your friends yet Mike. Especially the Mormons. LOL.”
“This man, Donald Trump, is a shining example of all that’s right and good in the world,” Pence continued. “It’s why myself and the vast majority of evangelicals in this country support him. He’s built in the Lord’s image and he represents everything we represent. He carries our morals and our righteousness. We are the most righteous. And he also carries some kind of repressed desire, except his is not repressed. He is able to let it out. We wish we could be him.”
Pence and his Jesus. Which one?