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Eat Crow: The Second Amendment

Eat Crow: The Second Amendment

I have never cared about the Second Amendment. I have never owned a gun. I have never wanted to own a gun. I have never wanted to be around people shooting guns. Because they're noisy as hell and I get migraines. I wasn't necessarily against the Second Amendment, but I had no personal use for it. I don't care about the Third Amendment either. --No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.-- I'm not necessarily against it. It's just never come up.


I've always been in favor of better gun control laws because guns are dangerous and people are stupid. Like when people say, “Guns don't kill people. People kill people.” That's stupid. Guns make murder way too easy. The Vegas shooter was 320 feet from the ground and 1,050 feet from the concert venue. Quite obviously, he wouldn't have been able to do that if his weapon of choice had been a knife. If you're really serious about murder, I think you should have the backbone to get up close and personal with your intended victim. When I finally snap and murder someone, I plan to kill with the heel of a nice pump, the way Jennifer Jason Leigh did it in Single White Female. 


Since Columbine there have been over two hundred school shootings in America. Not counting all the other mass shootings at churches, movie theaters, night clubs, concerts, Wal-Mart. I actually don't know if there's been a Wal-Mart shooting. I just assume there has been. I know every time I walk into a Wal-Mart I'm overcome with rage. 


Every time gun control is debated, responsible gun owners come up with unreasonable reasons why there should be no restrictions on guns. Children are being shot at and instead of doing something about it, responsible gun owners are all like, “Don't touch my toys!” So now I care about the Second Amendment. And I say, if you can't play nice, nobody gets a gun.


The more responsible gun owners talk, the more I'm convinced “responsible gun owners” don't exist. I shall provide examples.


Hey, remember when responsible gun owner Dick Cheney shot a man in the face?


Following the shooting at a congressional baseball practice last summer, Glenn Beck said congressmen should be allowed to take their guns to the ball field. It should be noted the Capitol police totally handled the situation, as they are trained to do, and only the shooter died. Nonetheless, Beck didn't think that was enough. Had Glenn been playing ball with congress, he would have kept his gun next to him in a bag of some sort. And no need to worry about who would be watching his gun while he was up to bat. He totally trusted any one of his imaginary teammates to keep an eye on his gun purse. Because men are really good at paying attention to other things during sporting events. 


Also, Glenn Beck, by his own admission, suffers from alcoholism, ADHD, macular dystrophy and a severe neurological disorder. Being diagnosed with any one of these could disqualify a person from military service. But in the civilian world a hyper, blind drunk with a short attention span and a broken brain is a responsible gun owner. 


A frenemy of mine believes everyone, including children, should own a gun and learn to shoot. She's outraged by every mass shooting, but somehow doesn't see this conflicts with her “Buy The World a Gun” philosophy. She often regales us with a lesson her uncle taught her about using a gun in self defense. According to Uncle Deplorable, if you think someone is breaking into your home, you must grab your gun, turn out all the lights and start shooting. Contrary to Uncle Deplorable, the first rule of gun safety is know your target. The second rule of gun safety is do not talk about Fight Club. There are no rules instructing anyone to fire aimlessly into the dark Carolina night.


This brings us to the most powerful and paranoid group of “responsible gun owners,” the NRA. The NRA's Something or Other, Wayne LaPierre, believes any restrictions on gun rights is a covert operation by the government, and by government he means democrats, to take over every aspect of our lives and force red-blooded American men to eat tofu.  And also, the British are coming. 


LaPierre spoke at CPAC earlier this year. He called the Democratic party saboteurs who don't believe in freedom and the Constitution. He named leaders of the party and said of them, “They are not Democrats in the mold of John F. Kennedy.” Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Wayne LaPierre.


Dear Wayne,

Allow me to offer you a little advice. When promoting your pro-gun agenda, you may want to avoid reminding people of the Kennedy assassination. He was surrounded by good guys with guns. A bad guy with a gun was still able to take him out. Also, he was in Texas. I'm not sure, but I think you can check out a gun from a library in Texas.  And Bobby Kennedy was also shot to death. Food for thought.

Kind Regards,
Jennifer Loy


Speaking of assassinations, it really doesn't make sense for republicans to be against gun control. You can brag about being the party of Lincoln and Reagan and ignore they were both shot.


Sadly, Wayne LaPierre isn't my least favorite NRA member. That distinction goes to Dana Loesch. Despite homeschooling both of her children, Dana fancies herself an expert on public school safety. She addressed the Parkland students directly at a CNN Town Hall. And what she told them was her safety is more important than theirs. You see, when Dana was only twenty-years-old she lived all alone. She was a poor grown woman forced to fend for herself in Webster Groves, Missouri. A town that only ranked at Number 9 on the list of the "10 Best Cities for Families in America." She desperately needed a rifle to protect herself against nice families and Lutherans. 


Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Dana Loesch.


Dear Dana,

I was also a woman living alone when I was twenty and I didn't have a gun because I'm neither weak nor paranoid. And my place was real easy to break into. I know because I locked myself out a lot.

Best Wishes,
Jennifer Loy


The NRA has chosen Oliver North as their new president. If you're too young to remember the eighties you may not be familiar with North. I was a child in the eighties so I remember him as the guy from the congressional hearing that was always pre-empting my favorite shows. I didn't understand the Iran-Contra Affair. I just wanted to watch ALF. Anyway, now I'm older and I understand the Iran-Contra Affair and ALF isn't anywhere near as funny as I remember it. 


Ollie was convicted for his involvement in the illegal sale of weapons to Iran. Ronald Reagan totally knew about it, but was all like, “I have Alzheimer's. I can't be expected to remember approving any illegal activity.” I can't help but notice the more Ollie ages the more he resembles George W. Bush. I'm not saying Ollie is the bastard child of George H. W. Bush, but it would explain a lot.

Anyway, North is very comfortable in his new role and has wasted no time releasing deplorable statements. Statements such as this one referring to the Parkland students: “They’re not activists—this is civil terrorism. This is the kind of thing that’s never been seen against a civil rights organization in America. You go back to the terrible days of Jim Crow and those kinds of things—even there you didn’t have this kind of thing.”


Okay, Ollie. First of all, he NRA is the second whitest organization next to the KKK. But, I see your race card and I raise you one Philando Castile. You remember him, right? He was a black man in possession of a legal firearm who was shot by a cop for literally no reason. In front of his fiancee and four-year-old daughter. Or how about the African American teenager who was shot in his own backyard because cops thought his cell phone was a gun? You see, Ollie, the Second Amendment doesn't apply equally to black and white people. You could almost say it's kind of a Jim Crow law. 


And as for thoughts and prayers, mine don't seem to be working because Trump is still president. Since Trump is like a really smart guy, he believes the answer to mass school shootings is arming teachers. I ask anyone who thinks this is a good idea to consider the following. My sister is a teacher. Previously in this article, I wrote of my plan to someday commit murder by shoe. Do you really want to give my sister a gun?



Photos by Gage Skidmore  ||  CC-BY-SA-2.0

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