We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.


Ted Cruz Interview: 'Don’t Forget About Me, I’m An Awful Person Too'

Ted Cruz Interview: 'Don’t Forget About Me, I’m An Awful Person Too'

Recent reports indicate Democrat Robert “Beto” O’Rourke is making gains on Republican Ted Cruz in the race to represent Texas in the US Senate.  As such, this seemed like the perfect time to sit down with Ted and gain his perspective on the race and the current political climate.  We conducted this interview at Ted’s Texas home, where it started off normal enough. However, after plowing through several glasses of wine, our interview was quickly derailed by Ted’s frustrations at living in the president’s shadow. The following is an excerpt from our interview:


Paul: How do you intend to counter the Democ­­—


Ted: This wouldn’t even be a problem if it wasn’t for Donald Trump; he’s giving Congress to the Democrats with all of his childish antics!  The media talks about how bad Trump is, how awful his latest comments are, and how horrible the people are that he hires!  It’s like ‘Hello Media!  Don’t forget about me, I’m an awful person too!’


Paul: Wait, you want everyone to think that you’re an awful person?!


Ted: Of course.  It’s been my plan all along; it was my path to becoming President of the United States.  People from Texas are not very bright and I knew that once I won them over they’d support me no matter what as long as I say thing like, ‘every child in this country should be born with a gun his hand’ and ‘don’t mess with Texas!’  Then, by doing awful things over and over again, I could secure a reputation as a Washington outsider, even while gratuitously using the system for my own political gains! It was a genius plan!  But now all everyone talks about is how terrible Trump is, even though I was terrible long before him.


Paul: I don’t understand how—


Ted: Trump gets up and makes fifth grade insults with names like Crooked Hillary, Sloppy Steve, and Little Marco and the media is in awe of him talking about how he’s a counterpuncher and how effective his attacks are! All he’s doing is putting an adjective in front of a person’s name!  That takes no talent!  Look, I can do it now, “Dumb Donald.”  See? It’s completely juvenile.  You know what takes real talent?  Looking someone in the face when they confront you with a fact that makes you look bad and, not only telling them they’re wrong, but doing it in a way that is condescending and arrogant.  That takes talent!


Paul: Can you provide an example?


Ted: Of course!  My campaign recently released an ad making fun of O’Rourke for using the nickname Beto to ‘fit in.’  I go on CNN and Cuomo has a bug up his butt and comes after me that I’m basically doing the same thing since my real first name is Rafael and I go by Ted.  He has a point, I’m doing the same thing in reverse and despite this, I still called O’Rourke out on it and Cuomo brings it up.  So what do I do?!  I put a smug grin on my face and tell him that people need to have a sense of humor about these things, completely blowing off his charge of hypocrisy.  That’s real talent! Trump would’ve just said ‘Fake News’ and moved on because he’s a complete moron.  That idiot called my wife ugly and made it seem like my dad has something to do with the JFK assassination and in spite of all of that I still kiss his butt and tow the line, it takes a special kind of soulless evil to be able to do something like that.  I haven’t spent my entire Senate career backstabbing Democrats and Republicans alike in order to be outdone by Dumb Donald.  Early this year I actually said that, ‘I have consistently opposed shutdowns.’  Me! The person that led the charge on the 2013 shutdown!  I’m playing chess and Trump’s playing checkers!  But everyone is talking about how much of a bad boy he is and forgetting about me.  You think I haven’t done it with an escort or two?!  And you saw during the primaries when I elbowed my wife in the face three times?!  The first two were accidents but that third one I got in on purpose for being so damn ugly that Trump could make fun of her about it.



At this point we started to feel a bit bad for the senator so we assured him that he was a more despicable person than Trump.  That he is one of the most hated men in America and far more horrible than Trump could ever be.  Comforted by these words, Ted quickly passed out thereby ending the interview.



Photo by Gage Skidmore  ||  CC-BY-SA-2.0

Eat Crow: The Second Amendment

Eat Crow: The Second Amendment

Puzzled Trump Not Sure If He Should Conspire With Or Against Strange Russian-ish Asian-Looking Uzbek Leader

Puzzled Trump Not Sure If He Should Conspire With Or Against Strange Russian-ish Asian-Looking Uzbek Leader