After Cop Shooting Of Groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil Threatens Eternal Winter
Groundhog Shot By Deputy...Punxsutawney Phil Mourns The Shadow of His Slain Friend Frank
Sykesville, MD -- Eight days after a Carroll County Sheriff’s Deputy shot a groundhog dead for obstructing traffic on a very rural road in Maryland, the underground groundhog nation (well, it’s basically a given that they are underground) is angry and mobilized.
“I propose we never come up out of our holes again and inflict endless winter on the human race until the shooting of our friend, good old Frank, is addressed by the mayor and the head of the police union!” Phil shouted to a large crowd of groundhogs at an underground memorial near where the groundhog, lovingly known as “Frank,” was shot.
The Flake News was able to use small underground cameras usually used to fix underground plumbing to record the event.
“Frank would have never hurt a soul. They say he was charging the officer. Come on! Probably charging in to give him a hug, the way human uncles from the Midwest do. If I know Frank, he was definitely gonna give that guy the Maryland hello, that’s it! But because he didn’t have a human face, he was met with mistrust and two bullets!”
Phil said he will remember Frank for many things, but most notable was his ability to burrow a hole just as quick as anyone he ever knew, sometimes through thick clay and other times through tough roots.
“Most of the underground tunnels in this part of Maryland, Frank had something to do with them,” Phil said.
“And now, thanks to this heedless gun-toting cop, Frank has burrowed his last hole through my heart!” Phil said, with tears running down his furry cheeks.
“Justice!” some were heard yelling out.
“Dig it!” others yelled.
“I came up out of my hole the other day, and I didn’t see my shadow, I saw a much darker, foreboding shadow, and that is the shadow that haunts us all, gun-toting cops who have it in ….for vermin!”
This was met with much applause by the crowd of about 50,000.
“What did we ever do to them?!” one groundhog screamed.
“What the woodchuck?!” screamed another. .
After Phil’s speech, Frank was buried even further underground.
When asked what was next, Phil reiterated “until I get contact from the police union or the mayor of Sykesville, I am not coming out to see my shadow. My threat of endless winter is very very real.”
To be continued...
Photo by Chris Flook || CC-BY-SA-4.0