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Hannity's America

Hannity's America

In a history class in the not-too-distant future, children will be learning about the time a porn star took down a president and a cable news network. Welcome to Hannity's America.

 

If you're like me, and by 'like me' I mean a woman, you don't want to hear about a porn star every time you turn on the TV. However, Trump's one night stand with Stormy Daniels twelve years ago has led a to scandal involving the POTUS, his lawyer, the FBI, Sean Hannity and possibly, Jon Bon Jovi. (More on Jon Bon Jovi later.) So I guess I'm Team Stormy now.

 

For the children of the not-too-distant future I shall sum up how we got here. In 2006 Trump was the D-list celebrity host of a reality show starring other D-list celebrities. His third wife had just given birth to his forth or fifth child, depending on where or not this was one of the days he remembered he has a second daughter named Tiffany. Trump was so excited about the birth of his forth or fifth child, he immediately went out and screwed a porn star. The porn star then sold her story to In Touch magazine. Shortly thereafter, she was threatened in the parking lot of a gym by an unknown hoodlum. Stormy has released of sketch of the unknown hoodlum. My mom believes the sketch looks suspiciously similar to one Jon Bon Jovi. (If you're a parent you should be taking notes. Your children or grandchildren may need to know this for the SATs one day.)

 

In 2016 the dumber parts of America/Fox News viewers elected a D-list celebrity to the office of President of the United States. One week prior to the election, Trump's attorney, Michael Cohen, was concerned the Jon Bon Jovi threat might not be enough to keep Stormy silenced. No one is sure why Cohen was suddenly concerned as no one had heard anything about Stormy in the decade preceding the election. Nonetheless, he paid Stormy one hundred and thirty thousand dollars to sign a non-disclosure agreement vowing never to speak of Donald Trump aka David Dennison, less Jon Bon Jovi take her out in a Blaze of Glory.

 

In 2018 Stormy, tired of simply Living On a Prayer, hired attorney Michael Avenatti. Avenatti proved to be a much better attorney than Michael Cohen. Shortly thereafter, the Stormy Daniels affair forced the FBI to raid Cohen's office and hotel room. A week later Cohen appeared in a hearing where he was forced to name all three of his clients. Yes, he only has three clients. Obviously, Trump is number one. Number two is Elliott Brody, a republican donor, who required Cohen's vast expertise in affair cover-ups. The third client wished to remain anonymous, but the judge wasn't having it. Cohen's lawyer was forced to release the name and that name is Sean Hannity, marking the first time Sean Hannity's name has filled me with joy.

 

I would like to take a minute to address Fox News viewers. Fox News Viewers, I know you think I'm being spiteful because I'm a liberal and I can't stand Sean Hannity. That's because I'm being spiteful because I'm a liberal and I can't stand Sean Hannity. But also, Fox News isn't news. News is produced by journalists. Here is a direct quote from Sean Hannity: "I’m not hiding the fact that I want Donald Trump to be the next President of the United States. ...I never claimed to be a journalist." 

 

Fox News Viewers, let me break it down in a way you may be able to understand. The Coca-Cola Company sells a product called Vitamin Water. Coke was sued when consumers learned Vitamin Water has the same amount of sugar as a can of Coke. Coke argued they had no idea consumers would find the name of the product misleading. Fox News is the Vitamin Water of news.

 

Despite my loathing of Fox News, I forced myself to watch it because I was curious as to how they covered the Sean Hannity story. An anchor, whose name I do not know, was complaining  the liberal media is speculating as to the connection between Hannity and Cohen. Anchor Whose Name I Do Not Know says the liberal news is making stuff up. (I do not know the anchor's name as the Trump administration has cost most of the better known Fox News personalities their jobs. Yet, they keep supporting him like some poor sap drinking a bottle of sugar water who can't understand why he's gaining weight.) Anchor Whose Name I Do Not Know is incensed over the coverage of Sean Hannity. It should be noted what Anchor Whose Name I Do Not Know is referring to as “making stuff up” is what legitimate news outlets refer to as accurately reporting the facts.

 

Speaking of making stuff up, lets take a look at some of Sean Hannity's greatest hits.

 

Bad Medicine
Shake it up just like bad medicine
There ain't no doctor that can cure my disease

 

During the 2016 election, Hannity became convinced Hillary Clinton was suffering from a very serious illness she was hiding from the American public. And also, the liberal media was involved in the cover up. He played a clip in slow motion of her laughing and called it a seizure saying, “This looks like violent, out-of-control movements on her part.”  As Sean Hannity is an angry man with no sense of humor, he is unfamiliar with how laughing works. 

 

Quite frankly, he should have lied about the video being in slow motion. If I thought that was the speed at which Hillary was actually laughing, I would have been like, “Damn. Something is seriously wrong with her.” But those are the kind of opportunities you miss when you don't know how laughing works.

 

Wanted Dead or Alive
It's all the same, only the names will change
Everyday, it seems we're wastin' away 

 

Also in 2016 Hannity, along with the help of a frequent guest on his show by the name of Donald Trump, broke the news of Rafael Cruz's involvement with the Kennedy assassination. Rafael Cruz is the father of former Trump opponent, Ted Cruz. Trump explained how his friends at the National Enquirer obtained a picture of Rafael Cruz standing next to Lee Harvey Oswald. The Enquirer obtained this picture with the use of historical documents and Photoshop. Despite this overwhelming evidence, neither Trump nor Hannity have been able to convince the Dallas police to reopen the Kennedy case. Rafael Cruz remains at large. Or, I guess, just free. Actually, I don't even know if he's alive and I don't really care enough to look it up.

 

Born To Be My Baby
We got something to believe in
Even if we don't know where we stand 

 

In 2008 Hannity, along with the help of a frequent guest on his show by the name of Donald Trump, gave birth to the birtherism movement. According to the theory, fifty years ago Barack Obama was born in Kenya to Kenyan parents. The Obamas wanted their baby to be the first black President of the United States. Black people had recently been given the right to drink from the same water fountains as white people. Obviously, the resolution of the water fountain matter created racial harmony across the land. They had to act quick if they wanted their son to be the first black president. It's a short leap from water fountains to the Oval Office. They traveled to Hawaii before finally landing in Chicago and raised their son as an American. He became a senator, ran for president, was endorsed by Oprah and the rest is history.

 

However, people who drink Vitamin Water because they refuse to drink from an integrated fountain weren't falling for the ruse perpetrated by the Obamas. Trump told Hannity, Obama “could have easily have come from Kenya, or someplace.” Apparently, neither Hannity nor Trump consider Hawaii to be “someplace.” Hannity said, "The issue could go away in a minute. Just show the certificate." 

 

Obama then produced his birth certificate which was certified as legitimate by the state of Hawaii. Not one to let facts and legal documentation skew his world view, Hannity continued to call for the president to release his birth certificate. He asked why Obama doesn't "just produce it and we move on?" 

 

Lay Your Hands On Me
Everything you want is what I need
Your satisfaction is, uh, guaranteed 

 

Hey, remember the Access Hollywood tape? Hannity defended President Sexual Predator thusly, "King David had 500 concubines, for crying out loud.” Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Sean Hannity.

 

Dear Sean Hannity,

 

How the hell can you go Old Testament on the Grab 'Em By The Wherever tape when Trump literally broke, like, four Commandments in the course of that conversation? If I were you I would have gone with Bon Jovi lyrics. 

 

“When you're brought into this world, they say you're born in sin
Well at least they gave me somethin', I didn't have to steal or have to win
Well they tell me that I'm wanted, yeah, I'm a wanted man
I'm colt in your stable, I'm what Cain was to Abel, Mr. Catch-Me-If-You-Can” 

 

Jesus hates you.

 

Warm Regards,
Jennifer Loy

 

 

Top Photo by Gage Skidmore  ||  Middle Photo by Matthew Fox  ||  Lower Inset Photo by Lorie Shaull  ||  CC-BY-2.0

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