The History Behind Cinco de Mayo (As Told By Donald Trump)
On Saturday, 28 April, 2018, President Donald Trump chose to host a campaign rally rather than attend the White House correspondents’ dinner. Several questions might pop into your mind at this point, such as: A campaign rally?! Isn’t his election more than two years away? Is Trump afraid of the press? Shouldn’t he be working at the White House on all of these existential threats he’s always talking about? Is Trump the product of an alien cross-breeding experiment involving an orangutan and an ear of corn? The answer to all of these questions is a resounding yes. Nonetheless, I attended the rally and paid particular attention when he started talking about Cinco de Mayo, since the holiday was fast approaching. The following is a transcript of that part of the rally.
But to protect our families, we must secure our borders. The good thing about the caravan, people are watching. People are watching. You watch how horrible -- they are coming in from Honduras. They are coming in from other places. They're taking this long trek up Mexico. We want Mexico to help us and we have to demand it, but Mexico is going to help us, but there are still hundreds of people that are maybe two-thousand, there's still hundreds of people, and our laws are so corrupt and stupid, I call them the dumbest immigration laws anywhere on earth.
People think I hate Mexico, but I don’t, I love them, I’m the greatest friend that Mexico will ever have, nobody loves the Mexicans more than I do. Believe me. In fact, Cinco de Mayo is coming up and we plan to celebrate that holiday at Mar-a-Lago next weekend, lots of tacos for everyone.
People don’t realize, you know, Cinco de Mayo, if you think about it, is actually not an American holiday, it’s a Mexican holiday. People don’t ask that question, but why is there Cinco de Mayo? Many people don’t know this, but Cinco de Mayo celebrates a battle in Mexico that took place around the same time as the War of 1812 in America. The battle took place in the city of Pablo and it was part of a war between Mexico and France. France came over with Portugal and Germany because, I’ll tell you, Mexico wasn’t paying these countries the money it owed them; Mexico had yuuuuuuge problems even back then. But these countries were not colluding, NO COLLUSION!
So these countries sailed to Mexico and started fighting but Portugal and Germany retreated and France kept fighting because Napoleon was in charge and he’s a bigly fighter with a lot of stamina. A lot of people say that I’m the greatest leader since Napoleon and that we share a lot of good qualities and that I’m like him and we both have big hands, but I’m very, very, very NOT short like he was. I also have more beautiful hair and I’m richer, I’m very, rich you see. Believe me. But Mexico was not rich and so France invaded and a small Mexican force of 200 people were defending Pablo and the French had an army that was like a BILLL-YON people. So the French attacked Pablo and that started the Battle of Cinco de Mayo. Their, you don’t know this, but their job was to take over Mexico and they failed, they failed their job.
And jobs, right? African-American unemployment has reached the lowest level in history, in history. Hispanic unemployment. Any Hispanics in the room? Hispanics? No, not so many, that's okay. And by the way, in all fairness, Kanye West gets it. He got it. He gets it, and he saw that. When he sees that African-American unemployment is the lowest in history, you know, people are watching. That's a very important thing he has done for his legacy, it's a very important thing.
So the Mexicans are defending and the French charge, and they’re riding elephants and they have these big, beautiful catapults, the most beautiful catapults that you have ever seen, they really were beautiful catapults, I gotta tell you. And you know what's catapulting right now? The stock market, the stocks are catapulting, highest in history because of me. So France charges and Mexico defends, they defend with a few machine guns and some bears and they completely destroy the French. But the French are good now, they have Macron and we’re really, really good friends, he gets it, Macron. And how about his beautiful wife, he’s lucky they're married, because she’s very beautiful like Ivanka. So beautiful, the French.
So France loses the Battle of Cinco de Mayo, but it’s not Napoleon’s fault, it was the General, General Benito who recused himself from the fight and the French didn’t know what to do so they lost, bigly. So the Mexicans won and they did a charge because even then they had a lot of bad hombres. So Mexico won and they won bigly, and that’s why we celebrate Cinco de Mayo. So this weekend we’ll have lots of tacos in Mar-a-Lago, lots and lots and lots of tacos.
But we need a wall, we need border security because without border security we have no country.
Photo by Gage Skidmore || CC-BY-2.0