Report: Mitt Romney Finally Tears Off Magic Underwear In Disgust Following Failure To Secure Utah GOP Nomination
Salt Lake City, UT -- GOP Senate challenger Mitt Romney of Utah, residing in the great state at least as of this week, was seen ripping off his magic underwear, sickened with his second-place finish in the weekend’s Republican Party convention.
The two-time Republican nominee for President of the United States, Romney was dealt a deafening blow. The one-time “Great White Hope” was seen tearing his Mormon-approved magic underwear to shreds, exposing his under-underwear. Luckily his wife found him in time before he also ripped his under-underwear in anger, potentially exposing his under-under-underwear.
Ann Romney was relieved. “When I found him there with the last shreds of his dignity between his fingers, I told Mitt, really that’s his name? ‘Mitt’? Do I call him that, wow it sounds so weird when I say it out loud. Mitt. Mitt. Mittttttttttt. Strange. I guess I call him Mitt, and I said Mitt, you need to pick yourself up and keep this campaign going. This doesn’t even really count for anything, there will be a runoff. And you used to tell me you were the king of runoff Mormon puss. You used to kiss so many girls on the hand before you met me. So you can do this.”
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints recommends never showing the magical holy undergarments to “outsiders who do not understand their significance.”
Ann assisted her husband in picking up every piece of fabric, so as to not leave her husband embarrassed. He did however lose presidential electionstwice in a row, so there’s that.
Photo by Gage Skidmore || CC-BY-2.0