Mark Zuckerberg Spiked National Enquirer Story About Awkward Space Alien Abducting 87 Million Users
Menlo Park, CA -- Embattled Facebook CEO and founder Mark Zuckerberg reportedly spiked a shocking supermarket tabloid story from Weekly World News competitor and Donald Trump favorite The National Enquirer, silencing the horrifying tale of 87 million users who were abducted by an awkward space alien.
Recently President Donald Trump has been exposed for regularly working with The National Enquirer to buy potentially damaging stories in order to bury them. The wealthy and famous regularly engage in this practice and Facebook’s Zuckerberg also recruited The Enquirer this year when he worried a potentially damaging piece about him would emerge.
“I was sitting on so many alien stories, it felt like I was being probed myself,” said rival Weekly World News publisher Mort Finstin. “And in walks this strange, socially awkward, some might say otherworldly being into my offices. He said he may or may not have abducted 87 million of his users. Yikes. That’s a lot of rectal thermometers.”
Ultimately Finstin passed on the story and it fell right into the laps of the rival Enquirer. “Do I regret letting that one slip through my fingers, yes; do I have more stories about alien autopsies and such to fill the pages instead, you betcha,” said a confident Finstin.
Mark Zuckerberg was not available for comment as he was returning all 87 million users and their data in pristine condition to their rightful places, as if nobody knew they were missing at all.
Photo by Raphaël Labbé from Paris, France || CC-BY-4.0