House Speaker Candidates Line Up Sacrificial Firstborn Sons On White House Lawn To Replace Donald Trump Jr.
Washington, DC -- In a bid to win the affection of President Donald Trump following Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s shocking revelation he is leaning toward not seeking re-election, conservative congressmen passed by the White House throughout the day leaving their firstborn sons as a sacrifice to the all-powerful president.
Trump has long been looking to replace eldest son Donald Trump Jr. and insiders believe this to be the perfect opportunity. “We know Eric Trump is the dumb one, but if it was just Junior and Ivanka, we know Junior would be known as the dumb one. So, either way, it doesn’t really matter. Nothing matters anymore, why am I still here in Washington?” one excited insider told us.
Representative Kevin McCarthy, a California conservative who pulled out of the running for House speaker in 2015, is once again interested and left his bound and gagged son Chet on the White House lawn. He’s certainly in it to win it.
Current chairman of the staunchly-right wing House Freedom Caucus and just another white guy, Congressman Mark Meadows is also interested in the job. He made the bold move to roll his large son out of his car like a bowling ball as he drove by. The tactic certainly got the president’s attention.
“Listen, these swamp demons better give me what I want and then I’ll give them what they want. I want that wall, the Mexicans, Syria, coal, Hillary, blood of your children. Give it to me, your fearless leader,” Trump said today.
The outgoing Ryan had no comment but is believed to be relieved.