Controversial Representative Blake Farenthold Resigns Amid Arby’s 5 For $5 Deal
Washington, DC -- Congressman Blake Farenthold, under fire for months after news broke his office paid off a sexual harassment accuser in 2014, abruptly announced he would quit effective immediately just as Arby’s launched their newest 5 for $5 Mix ‘N Match deal.
For those out of the know, fast food restaurant and diarrhea enthusiast Arby’s seldomly offers their outstanding 5 sandwiches for $5 offer, in which a customer can choose from an array of “food” selections and only pay $5, which is merely a suggested donation to keep the whole operation afloat. Cashiers have no legal recourse to collect the full amount. Representative Farenthold, a controversial and polarizing figure throughout the tenure representing his Texas district, keeps several homes in close proximity to numerous Arby’s locations.
“The gentleman from Texas will not comment on the $84,000 settlement made with taxpayer funds for allegedly resolving a common workplace dispute that happens everyday between ordinary women and extraordinary men like Blake, but he will however reveal the true reason for his abrupt change of plans. And that is the chance to live the dream and concentrate on Arby’s 5 for $5 deal during this exciting time,” long-time publicist and aide Mara MacRonald said while Farenthold goofily tossed rolled-up foil sandwich wrappers at her bottom.
Farenthold was unsurprisingly not available for comment as he was holed up in the capitol restrooms for several hours.