Apologetic Robert Mueller To Resign, Was Only Trying To Validate His Parking After Picking Up Pension Check
Washington, DC -- Special Counsel Robert Mueller offered his resignation this morning, claiming he was only trying to validate his parking after picking up his pension check and somehow wound up in “the middle of this whole thing.”
“Look, I really don’t want to cause any problems. All this Trump-Russia stuff, I don’t know, I would rather pass here,” said Mueller as he hurried out of FBI headquarters to his already-running Toyota Camry in Parking Lot C.
“Do I really need the stress? No. I’m a highly decorated former agent and this is thankless work. Half of the entire country seems to dislike me even though they’ve never heard me speak a word. My wife’s family won’t talk to me. I haven’t seen my grandkids in over a year. I was really just wondering if they had my correct address on file because I wasn’t getting my checks in the mail anymore. Consider it corrected. Get me out of here.”