Move Over Punxsutawney Phil, North Korea’s Prison Death Camp Weather Rodent Predicts Half-Century More of Oppression
Kaechon, North Korea -- North Korea’s lovable Jong The Red-Backed Vole saw his shadow early Friday morning indicating fifty years of additional oppression in the reclusive nation, Pyongyang Information Chief Ji Sung Kye shared with the outside world Tuesday. The ceremony, which took place under a shroud of total darkness and had no witnesses, confirmed what many North Koreans expected— a whole lot more darkness.
“It kind of sucks, we were wishing he wouldn’t see his shadow and we’d only have a couple more decades of this shit,” glum Kaechon reeducation resident Hyun-woo Pok communicated through his translator. A political prisoner who preferred not to give her name wasn’t so sure it all mattered, noting the exercise’s predictive accuracy has never been proven.
Jong The Red-Backed Vole was birthed by original leader Kim Il-sung during a hunting trip, according to government doctrine. While the Vole moonlights as a prognosticator, he is also famous for inventing the cheeseburger, Chief Kye insisted.
Top Photo by Anthony Quintano / CC-BY-2.0 || Bottom Photo by Etereuti / Pixabay + CC0 Creative Commons