Your Next Billionaire President
Hello, it’s me, a billionaire, and also your next president. We are in a crisis, a financial crisis, and I, a billionaire, am best suited to get us out of that crisis. As you know, I have a lot of money, and people with a lot of money know how to have a lot of money. I have worked tirelessly my whole life keeping my workers from unionizing, therefore increasing my profits and making the economy stronger.
When my great-grandfather first invented plastic he uttered these timeless words, “work ethic leads to ethics that work.” These words are encrypted on my second yacht mansion. Incidentally, this is the first full-scale mansion to be built entirely on a lake (that I innovated through the labor of others). My great-grandfather’s constant reminder of hard work is what drives me to appreciate, and not compensate, my workers who have succeeded because of my leadership. I know what it’s like to be amongst the common man. I see it all the time as I step out of my private jet onto commercial tarmacs. When I am president we will all be on the commercial tarmac of America.
I will represent your voice by really listening to the things my employees keep bugging me for in those pesky lawsuits. I promise you, America, that I will give you bathroom breaks and stop shoving my penis in Linda’s drinks. It is also my pledge that every American will be able to see a doctor, provided they have a doctor’s note and can get their own coverage. Together we can make sure that we end this attack on women in the workplace by keeping women out of the workplace.
You may be asking yourselves “what sets him apart from all the other billionaires?” Let me tell you that these other billionaires may have their helicopter license, but I also do. You might also be asking yourselves “what will I do as president?” To which I’ll reiterate that I’m not going to discuss hypotheticals about “policy” or “work” or “values.”
I have been fortunate in my life to have traveled the world and, therefore, believe I know foreign policy. For instance, did you know you shouldn’t show the soles of your feet to those of the Muslim faith? It’s a great sign of disrespect, as is, funnily enough, backing out of a game of Russian roulette with Qatari dignitaries. I can assure you that I have a great standing with both our allies and our enemies. I have visited many of the countries and am allowed back in most of them. As your president, I would definitely be allowed back and cash in on favors that would benefit us greatly.
Please don’t write off my potential presidential bid as nothing more than a penis measuring contest. I have been part of many measuring contests and this is entirely different. When it comes to my own, it is award-winning. In the last contest, I balanced more caviar on my erection than anyone else in the history of caviar penises. I am a winner, America, and I don’t need a measuring contest to prove that, though mine is also a winner as I have stated above.
In conclusion, America, I should be your president because I have already bought my slot on the primary so you might as well get on board now.
Photo by Айрат Хайруллин || CC-BY-SA-3.0 Unported